Alone

I just realised that I am all alone. There is no one in this world I can talk to. I think I scratched my back too hard, I can still feel the sensation. The heat and I suppose the burn, it only bothers me because what happens if it marks? I mark so easily. I'm not going to cut, but I can do what I always do, scratch and tear at myself.

And then I check my phone and it's going to start all over again. I'm too shakey, I can't trust anyone. Hell, I used to be free with my trust and now... well I had someone tell me I looked good today when they saw me and all it makes me feel is like a slut or something, and it's lies.

I distract myself too much nowadays. I hang out with people who I probably shouldn't but I fit with, I plan on being notorious, in the sense of throw it all to the wind and just be bad. Be as bad as I can.

Jeff Buckley

I adore Jeff Buckley, I cannot describe how much the one albulm of his I have means to me, it is of course the iconic "The Grace". I started to listening to him after someone I was in love with, unrequited of course, mistook a picture based on Dorian Gray for him, so I youtubed him, and I was hooked. His music reverbrates within my very being, his voice it is the overtures to life, that is the music I want to die to.

The song "Hallejulah" well that was I guess "our song", well I broke down listening to that the day I thought you were dead. I actually did, no word of a lie, when it got to the words, "The holy ghost it moved in you," because of what you had said about it previously. You never did sing this song for me did you? You never will either. It's 21.30 and it has just come on, ironic or what?

His melody, his voice, his passion. The one song that I dreaded coming on because I felt I would break down again. I miss you.

Well I tried listening to this albulm a couple of weeks or so ago, I couldn't. I felt sick and was literally a mess, I was on the verge of scratching my arms. That may not seem bad, but I have scars from scratches, and his mucis effects me that much.

I might love you, I don't know anymore. But I need to move on and you need to figure yourself out, well maybe it's the other way round. I just want to ask one thing, was it me or the drugs? You never told me you overdosed. I wasn't good enough for truth or cliche. I was the one person who didn't know wasn't I? You fucked me up, and this song is making me cry now. You will never see me cry.

But yeah it's still hard to listen to, I feel sick and anxious, but I can bear it. I have to, because I can't sacrifice this albulm and music for you. I will always refuse to sacrifice that. Jeff Buckley was a great man, and he deserves the legacy that the pathetic people of today get. Amy Winehouse could have been anyone, anyone could have taken her place. No one can ever take Jeff Buckley's. His death was a tragerdy, a true tragerdy.

Why is it those that die due to actual tragerdies get forgotten? Jeff Buckley and Marc Bolan are two to start it. They deserve to be alive today, and they would still be here today. That is where music lives, in the souls of people like them. You hear them and it is surreal, it is holy. I am not religious but "Corpus Christi Carol," it makes me want to believe more than anything else. It touches a nerve in me.

Jeff Buckley. R.I.P.

You are a TRUE legend.

Jeff Buckley, I love you and thank you.

Self harm is too easy. As soon as the thought pops in my head when I'm in my room, all I have to do is reach for my sunglasses case and get out the blade I got from my pencil sharpener. That easy.

Drugs well that's just going to be another part to it. I know whatever I do with my life, it's not going to be what people want for me. Drugs are illegal but to be honest what should it mater to me? I'm a disapointment to everyone already, so why not go that extra mile. I'll end up like my cousin did, a heroin junkie, don't think you ever knew that. You never listened and you know, fuck it I'm not worth listening to, simply because I am and I will organise my own downfall and disgrace.

I'm going to a party this Friday and know what? I'm going to get wasted, and yeah. That's as much as I know. Only bad thing is that fucking Rob is there, he was there Saturday. I am sick of him, he didn't speak to me, but still slapped my arse. Wasn't the only person, a guy called Bobby did too. Also had my leg slapped with a stick, welted up, but you know kind of my fault told Josh to hit me then, cause he was threatening to. Oh and Josh stole my hat twice and put it in a tree, had to get people to get it for me, cause I couldn't climb the tree. Plus I was ambushed I guess and had my hat, shoe and spats stolen, yeah. That was fun, it was a little. Because I don't even want to think about you anymore but why the fuck can't I stop.

I don't want to scar myself today, the cuts from yesterday are still pretty raw, they are hidden so it's okay really. No one will see, unless I'm careless or they are looking for it. But no one will look for it, no one knows that I have except Scarlett and she knows where, they will scar, more than likely, my skin is like that. Pick the scab, let it bleed and scar.

I won't hurt myself as long as I feel how I do right now. I feel okay, listening to good music, and it's not yours.

Except I found this song now, made me smile but it'll be in my head all day possibly.

Self Pledge

Yeah, last night I couldn't even cry. I was on the verge of it, yet hardly any tears fell. Got abuse off of everyone in my family last night, it's great being home, this is the reason I guess I hang out with the people I do, their like a second family. Plus they make me laugh.

This is my pledge to do something for me, because this song, it's how I feel, it's in my blood.

Without Title

i don't want to deal anymore
i go from angry to sad
sad to nostalgic
to emerging myself so deep in your music i'm okay

i don't know what i want
i don't want to rely on you anymore
i really don't want to give a shit

why the fuck is it taking so long?
i'm 17 i should feel invinceable, like i have the whole world within reach, like i have a future. i don't even see past this summer.

i have realised this, right now. if i'm going to kill myself i want it to be the end of this summer. an end to everything. i don't even know why i'm tempting and teasing myself like this. an end to all of life's worries, the stress and conformity.

i'm addicted to sad songs, and hope is such a funny word.

fuck my life, i don't need it anymore, all i do is hurt everyone. i'm picking fights with my family so they will just leave me alone, i'm pushing them away. i want to spend my summer with a group of people who just accept you for you. they are the nicest people i have met, i don't care if they do drugs, smoke or drink. we all know somehow i'll end up doing it.

i feel some what hopeful right now, but what happens when i stop listening to your music and i no longer see the lights or hear the music? i'm dead the moment that happens. i wish i knew when i'd die, i'd count down the days. i'd know if i could survive until then. somehow i know i won't kill myself, i'll be one of the walking dead.

this version is better than yours, at least that singer has the emotion

The quiet things that no one ever knows

The things that no one will ever know.

I love you, a part of me still loves you even after this. I don’t choose for that part to go on living. I want it to die, to choke and suffocate along with the way I used to be. The happy, care-free girl, the child, before I was nothing less than forced to grow up into someone who no longer freely trusts everyone they meet, the less naïve person who has that chasm ever widening inside. The chasm, don’t flatter yourself was already there, full of pain, anguish and the silent sufferings of another person on this planet. Depression isn’t something that just disappears ever, it lingers in my very soul. I wasn’t born to be happy, I work to be happy, I really do. You can’t tell how I feel, if I can’t be honest to myself. Have you ever sat there laughing, and smiling being the picture of happiness only to think “I’m sad, I’m depressed,” to then walk away thinking of a noose, of a razor blade, an end? I don’t think you have. In fact I’d bet that you haven’t. I don’t let people in, not really. The walls I have built up, they are never coming down again, NEVER. I’m going to grow up that little bit more, because there’s not much left now to go, not after this, and they will stay there. I’ve always been scared of falling in love and now I never want to, not again. You are the first and last person I loved like that. You say all you want to do is good, if that’s true then why the fuck did you say any of those things, there will never be an excuse. I don’t even want to live right now, I want out. I actually want out, I want to fall asleep and not wake up. The only time I ever feel alright now is when I’m escaping my thoughts, around friends or so absorbed in something else. But even then you haunt my thoughts. This isn’t fair on me, I don’t want you in my life. I am sick of people talking at me, you don’t know me, you don’t care about me, you have no right to even think about me. You fucking… You have no idea how I react to things, and even if you were with me, I could act my way out of it, because I don’t let anyone that close. I have done that once, and once is enough to teach me: NEVER AGAIN. I loved you so much I lost part of myself. It’s too late now, sorry was never going to cut it, it never could have. I may forgive you at times, but I can’t let you in ever again. You don’t know how much that hurts, I’m sick of being in this position. I hate love, every time I have ever loved someone it never had a chance and the one time it did, all I got from it was sleepless nights, and scars. Yes, scars, you really don’t give a shit. I hadn’t hurt myself in a while, in any form, and then this it just wears away and now I will probably have these scars for a long time. And you know something what the hell, I actually want to right now, and guess what I have. I don’t even feel bad about it this time, I will later and you know why? Because of Scarlett, she’s told me never to do something so silly again. I fucking respect her, and she is such a good friend I should listen to her. I feel so empty and even this doesn’t make me feel. If anything all I feel is fucking anger at you. In 3 Days Grace’s words, “The animal I have become” read that, I am a animal now. I have got to the point where right now, in this moment in time NOTHING matters anymore.

7 scars for every person I have ever loved and hurt me.

17.46 24.7.2011

My Therapy

Dear Tommy,


I have been falling to pieces for a long time, I'm always falling to pieces I suppose. Everyone is.

I can't take it anymore. The things you say, the way it's affecting me, my mental health! I can't concentrate, I have to hold something so I can sleep, I get anxious to the point I can't breathe properly and the anxiety doesn't go away easily. I'm a mess. This isn't the work of what happened between us, I think but it has triggered a lot. I have had needed people so much it's sick, and it disgusts and embarasses me, more than I can say. You know Scarlett knows, the kid is 15, 16 in November, she doesn't know the whole truth but a lot, this isn't something she should even know about, she doesn't have an easy homelife. You don't know what her life is like! She is a child.

Oh and Nessa, she is a life safer. The night I thought you died, well, she was talking to me the whole time. You couldn't imagine, I can't how difficault it was for her. You have no idea. Her boyfriend killed himself, she self harmed badly, she had therapy, she lived through hell. But she still helped me, and I know it was hard for her, she loved him so much.

I cried that whole night. I walked into school I was okay until Hallejulah by Jeff Buckley came on and I was asked if I was okay by a friend, I started to break down and half ran to the toilets. I sat on the floor and just lets the tears go silently as I had my "friends" outside asking if I was okay, saying I could talk to them. I never  cry in school, not when I was bullied, and the only time I did was the day after my pet died and I was year 7 then, a little 11 year old. So you know if I'm upset if I cry in school or public. I had eaten nothing that day, or the dinner the day before. Feeling sick as soon as it went in my mouth, remembering how you were annorexic and didn't feel you deserved food, well I didn't then either. I only managed to eat after you text me. I was like a corpse that day, dead. I was punishing myself not eating, not thinking of anything but you. I only began to come to life when you text me, and that is true, I was curled up in the libary on a bean bag with Scarlett letting me lie on her.

And now.....well earlier...
"Im finished.arranged suicide.x"
"Cos im in a mental home. its done.x"

Clearly you fucking well need to be there. Admit it. It is not the end of everything or your life, you are there because you need to get better, you do have problems stop denying them and just tackle them, its easier to do now, and why else would you be there.

It's funny the palm of my hand hurts like I really scratched it but I didn't. Funny how I want to get a razor and just go down the line of pain. It isn't really. Or the fact I have realised the thighs are a good place to cut your legs up, but I go swimming now. Is that sane? NO! I admit I have my problems, hell I'm developing anxiety ones now. I actually honest to- I'd say God but I grew out of that long ago, I never believed and I never will, so lets go with...hell, more appropriate isn't it? So I am actually honest to hell have the start of an anxiety problem. I get panicky, I start to breathe too fast, had the worst one today in the car, on the way home from town when my Dad went to go pay for petrol, just me and Bradley in the car. I saw someone and in my head went they are kidna handsome, or some such. I started to mentally freak out, no reason to. I partly blame the song, "The boy who blocked his own shot," for bringing up memories, I began to breathe faster, I hunched forward and yeah. You know, my baby brother was in the car, what happens when this just gets worse? I protect him, I can't act like that near him.

I don't think I get like that a lot, actually I don't. very rare, and then it's stress, due to exams, that's normal. Fucking normal. That wasn't. Yet I have to go home and act normal, I get home and I cry. I go upstairs and I cry. I text Maggot, yeah Tom because last night he was texting me, he asked how I was and I don't know why I felt so low and lonely I text back, the honest truth. I couldn't be arsed with life. He made me feel better but it felt wrong, he even said he still cared for me, I don't know what sense he meant it in, but it doesn't matter-never again. Oh and love, that's gone on a vacation, or a little holiday, handed in it's notice, more like AWOL though. I don't want him before you accuse me of cheating, but that's how low I felt I replied to that text and felt bad about doing it.

Nessa she has helped as well, she has done so much, just by listening. You know she was the one person who would have been rooting all the way, except she thinks you mess with my head and are a cunt. She is blunt and you know I repsect what she says. Yet I defend you. I've been on teenhelp and childline, yes I HAVE sunk that low, and people have said this is a toxic relationship when they've seen what it has done to me. I don't know anymore. This is getting pretty angry sounding but I'm just writing and writing not knowing what else to do.

It's 2.50 am. I told my mum over an hour ago I would be in bed, I secretly left the internet on and pretended I was working on Bradley's birthday present. Yet I'm here doing this, whilst waiting for a childline counsellor. It's so nice when you realise how low you have sunk, how damaged you are, how much you don't actually know what to do.

It's funny I'm getting sleep, yet I don't feel right going to bed until I hear from you...which may never be again. The number of times I have thought you were dead or had you talk about things like this has been numerous 4-6 times. You have always been okay, never been dead, even I have believed you were truely dead, yet hoping and beliveing kind of foolishly that things like this shouldn't happen to good people, not people like you, because your life has been so unfair.

You were okay though, hurt but okay. The night you drank petrol on webcam, what was it....mmm 3 nights ago or more. I don't remember, I thought you were dead possibly. You ignored all my phone calls until late. Why? To hurt me, you fucking drank petrol in front of me, blamed me and then disconnect and say your cutting, I begged you to go to A and E. You can't say I don't care. You can never say that. You made me feel so guilty, and yes I admit I do deserve some blame, but like Nessa said I "didn't fucking force you to drink the petrol," so there.

If you die tonight, if you do commit suicide you don't know what you are doing to other people do you? Ironically I searched through my music for the song "It ends tonight," because I wanted to hear it when I called you and I thought you would answer. You didn't.

it ends tonight. what a song, what a phrase, what a fucking lie

It's ironic because if the worst has happened, which I'm hoping hasn't then that,that statement is true. It doesn't end the night you die, it ends the night all your friends, family, the people who knew you died. They are hurt by it, it affects them, it actaully increases the chance they will do the same. It's proven, it's not your fault, but death has a massive impact. I know how you were affected when your friends ODed. That was an accident, is this one? No. That hurts more. When I thought you died I cried so much my eyes were sore, my nose was rubbed raw and I had tissues everywhere.

As it is I can't focus or concentrate anymore. I don't know what is going on, as I write this it seems more like a story, something that happened to someone I know and I'm just venting how it made me feel. I don't know what I'm feeling because right now I'm empty, I'm hollow.

The lyrics to this song I wanted you to hear so maybe I could explain what happened between us, but I never had the chance.

Will Young-"Leave Right Now"

"I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now "I bought that CD on Sunday, it's now catching on every track, especially this one. Kind of sad, but this song explains me and you, and how I feel at least. "Go your own way" by Fleetwood Mac kind of helps as well.

3.13am "The boy who blocked his own shot," that song has come on. Sitting in the car before my anxiety attack I put this song on, and I realised as I listened, it describes me, how I am, what I did, what I would do. The phrases, the words, it is me. It's a song with more meaning to me than I can explain, but seeing as I'm unlikely to sleep anytime soon why not?

I have listened to this band for years. I remember 2008 or 2009 making a dirary entry about how much it would mean if someone quoted the lines:

"You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins"

But the lines that made such a profound impact on me at the time were the last 2, "the smell before rain," "the blood in my veins," these lines still hold an effect on me. They inspire me. I knew that if someone ever quoted them to me I would cry or laugh in shock. More than likely I would cry, they are so beautiful.

Then in summer 2010, I was in Peru in a group of people, no one who really was a friend. I had this song on, it was dark and I was sketching somehow, because that's one of the few escapes I had, well pretending so
I could sit in the dark and cry by myself. Well I had stopped and that's when the leader Robin had come over and started talking to me, what he said actually made me cry harder, I wasn't homesick, just low, depressed and lonely. Oh so very lonely.He told me "tomorrow is a brand new day," well the line:

"I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate"

Played as he said it, or just after. I was shocked, when he walked away, I did cry more because I saw it as the only thing I believed in, in that one moment. It held such siginificance for me in that moment.

Then there's the night, the night that fucking scarred me, not when I thought you were dead, but were crying on the phone saying how you wanted oblivion telling me so many scary things, I saw some of the worst of you that night I can pretty much gurantee. You...you scared me, you said you'd kill anyone guy who ever touched me, and made me admit I could cheat on you, when I wanted to get wasted because at that point I already felt slightly suffocated and needed some time to forget and I remembered when I was drunk I didn't think, not at all. That doesn't mean I would go and do something sexual, I just wouldn't have things constantly iin my head for one day, one day off of that craziness, that was all I wanted, some time-out.

Well I listened and text you the whole song, it took me a while, by the time I finished the sky was light, birds were singing and we were both exhausted, I sent that text at 5.17 am the 12th of June 2011. I sent that song vecause of how much it meant to be, and you always expressed yourself through songs, and that's the best one I could think of, it was because I knew how much I hurt you, even then.

3.34am if I called and you answered what would I actually say? I don't think I know, that's why earlier I swoere at you, I just did it, because I was worried and I felt weak, I resent ever feeling like that, so I did lash out. It's natural I suppose, not fair but natural. Like life I guess...

Oh and there's also the time I sent you the link when we had an arguement once, I saw you cry on webcam in your bobble hat, I love that hat.

I don't know what to do...

What if you are okay? I can't be with you again and I should let you go, stop being so selfish and just let you go, but it's like you were my best friend. One of the best The best friend I ever had, and it's too hard to say goodbye, it would be the best for both of our mental health, but sometimes people just can't do the right thing and it isn't what they want, it's not what I want. I know that. But I hurt you, yet you hurt me equally but I'm a silent victim. You know you added a child to a conversation and you know whar that was? Bullying and abuse, I never did it to you. Wouldn't dream of it, actually now I would. I'd add Scarlett or Nessa. Scarlett is kinder towards you. But Nessa, hahaha. She...well she thinks your a cunt and doesn't like you one bit, because she has seen how I get, not once but fucking repeatedly. She had her boyfriend buy her credit last Sunday after you yelled at me down the phone, I wanted to cry but I was out shopping with my sister and mum, what am I meant to do? I can't drop everything and have you explain a situation I cannot grasp. But I did, and you yelled at me, made me feel like shit. I texted her, she called me, I couldn't talk, she got her boyfriend to buy her credit becasuse she was that worried. That's not what people do normally, is it? Get so worried they do that.

She would tear you apart, but I know better than to do that, you should too, you are an adult, not a child. Why did you even add her? I know you aren't gay, your fucking bisexual, and that isn't a reason we broke up. My mental health has been getting worse and you know aspergers? People with it get OCD, that explains everything you ever felt for me. You used to think I did so much good for you, I didn't. You only thought it. I talked to you and listened the way anyone does, I just fell for you. I do that, I fall too easily. I hate it, but it happens. I wrecked your life, I never helped you, you wanted to believe that. Maybe I did help, by being a friend and listening, I don't know. Right now, I feel that part of the relationship is truely over, to the point it's all a blur and forgotten.

It's 4.02 am. I should go to bed, I'm going to go see friends tomorrow. People who don't know about anything that has happened, so I won't have to remember anything or mention it. I can forget, or try to. Except Tom, he knows, but he says he won't mention it, I'm just dreading the look of pity, the one where people feel bad and don't know what to say or do to let someone know it's okay. But he'll just be typical and go it'll be okay, when it won't.

You broke me Tommy.

That's wrong to say, but it kind of feels like it, like.... I can only quote yet more Brand New lyrics...

"Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind."

The song is called "Guernica," it's about when the singer was in Guernica and his grandad died but he couldn't get home, and he got the phone call, this is how he felt then.

I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't love you, but I want to know how you are. I kind of not feel real right now. I don't feel a single thing, I am so apathetic. I'm getting sleepy and I'll be woken up early and won't be able to tell anyone why I'm so moody or tired. How can I?

But I don't know how to end this. I really don't. Maybe with this:

"I have played the fool to madness,"

That is the only Arther Rimbaud I know, I want to read his "Season in Hell," I know you love/d it.

Is this truely the beginning of the end?


Lea xxx

I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are.

With all the love you need and deserve.

P.S. It's 4.17am and I still haven't been able to get through to Childline tonight nearly did, but I was so distracted writing this.